Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Dirty Sanchez: The Movie

If you don't know what a Dirty Sanchez is, let me summarise. It involves pooh. Go look it up on google if you're still intrigued.

I was lucky enough to obtain a copy of this movie last night, and felt instantly compelled to post my thoughts on this wonderful blog.

If you're unfamiliar with the Dirty Sanchez series, then it basically consists of 3 Welsh Guys (Dainton, Pritchard and Pancho) and their seriously depraved English counterpart (Joyce). It's an MTV program, similar to Jackass, but obviously the English... err Welsh equivalent. These guys perform stunts, self mutilation and generally just get drunk and puke everywhere - but it's fun to watch if you're as sick as I am.

It's been a long time since we've heard from the boys, so this movie has to make up for lost time. The plot (if you can call it that) is that at the beginning of the movie the guys die performing a stupid stunt involving an exploding caravan - a car driving extremely fast, and pancho lying down in the middle of it. Satan (played by one of the Rolling Stones I think) makes a deal with them, and says that if they can perform 7 deadly sins then he'll let them go and revive them. So off the whackos go, all around the round, performing stunts involving the sins.

If you're wondering how they can surpass themselves from the TV series, then let me assure you - they most certainly have in every way. The movie brings you the sicket, most depraved acts of mutilation and gut-wrenching craziness you're ever likely to see?

I won't give it away, because it's one you have to see for yourself, but the most memorable parts are where Pritchard goes to the Yakuza to have a finger cut off.... yes, you read that right, cut off. And the other most memorable part is where the 4 guys are downing shots, and eating insects, whilst receiving a handjob from a Bangkok prostitute. Decided that this wasn't enough, they decide to up the ante - when Pancho brings out something from earlier in the movie. Let me tell you, it's perhaps one of the sickest things you're ever likely to see. In a good way of course.

All in all, these guys show that not only do they kick the living crap out of Jonny Noxville and the Jackass pussies - they're number 1 in the sick business.

I give this a 5 out of 5. Watch it or be lame.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Lost Boys



I'm going for a cult classic here; The Lost Boys. We've probably all seen it as teenager or kids, and don't remember much about it. I'd recently downloaded the Soundtrack which reminded me just how good this film is, so I decided to give it another play.

Instead of all the typical cliché vampire movies we have, of the vamps running around killing everybody, and some 'hero' showing up and killing them all, we're left with a much darker almost believeable movie.

A family move to Santa Carlo after their mother divorces their father. When they arrive to move in grandpa' they discover that they've moved into the murder capital of the world. Dozens of "missing" posters fill various boards around town, and the youngest of the family (played by Corey Haim) unearths rumours that Vampires lurk.

Michael (the eldest son) catches eyes on some hottie named 'Star' and is lured into the underworld by the ringleader, played excellently by Keifer Sutherland. He wants this babe so bad he'll do anything to get her, including drinking what he thinks is wine, but is actually David (Keifer)'s blood. Over the next few days he gradually becomes a vampire.

As I said, this isn't your typical vampire movie. This film really aims to just show that, whilst we all know it's a film, it could actually be quite plausible that vampires are roaming around - and that's really the best 'horror' impact here.

The special effects are actually very good for the time; the vampires look realistic, and the scene where Michael is hanging off a railway track and plummets through the clouds is pretty sweet.

This is a cult classic. We have the overly camp 80's gay clothes. The big mullet haircuts, and the soundtrack to match. If you like your vampire movies, this one's for you. 4.5/5

Friday, September 15, 2006

Spiderman 2

Sorry my avid fans for the disgustingly long gap in between updates but as I previously mentioned there has been a disgusting amount of slackness in the fleapit camp. I made the bold statement after my superman post that “I’m not posting again till someone else does”
A bold statement that unfortunately I am having to claw back for the sake of you the reader. I feel it unfair to deprive you of my literary talents for so long, so on with the review.

Spiderman 2, I thought I would carry on the superhero theme and let you view my opinions on the latest cheap-as-chips DVD I picked up online (£4). Obviously I have seen this movie before and I should imagine most you have, so I wont bore you with plot outlines etc etc. What I would like to draw you attention to his how much of an absolute cry-a-baby-pussy Peter Parker is. Jesus I wanted to slap him!! As Spidey he is super cool villain-slaying-machine, as himself is the sort of person that got bullied at school. Now before you hardcore marvel fanboys start banging on, I know he is supposed to be a bit of a geek but come on there is a line. He looked at the line, then took a hop, step and a jump over it. I get the whole contrasting personality bit but no, no, NO. Tobey Maguire can you please make Peter in the next installment a little more manly, please!

Lastly (just a quick update to whet the appetite) I would like to draw you attention to Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) is it me or was she much more appealing in the first one?


Ben Parker "You've been given a gift Peter, with great power, comes great responsibility"

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Superman Returns

Someone had to do it, might as well be me, especially as my co-contributors have been a bit slack of late.

Superman Returns; I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I liked it.
It wasn’t the best film I have ever seen, but it was enjoyable, in a mindless sort of way. It looks nice (as in the effects are good), the story is ok and the acting is up to scratch. What more can you ask for?

I don’t need to go in to detail with the plot as you already know, Superman saves the world. If you didn’t know that, you're stupid! I recommend that you remove yourself from civilised society now and never read this blog again.

Now the idiots are gone, on with the review. Kevin Spacey was great. He was a more evil Lex which I really liked, he wanted to kill billions of people and create his on continent. You have to admire that sort of ambition.
Routh did a fine job, his Superman seemed to have something to prove and was really working his ass off to save the world not just that slag Lois.

(SPOILER COMING)

Now on to Lois, dirty slag that she is, what was she doing? Had a baby by one man and palmed it off onto another! Now I am not here to judge, but let’s weigh this up. Superman leaves after impregnating her and she manages to go to bed with another guy in enough time to claim that it’s his baby. Either she is a quick griever or a slag. My guess is the latter.

One thing I don’t get is, bearing in mind that Clark works with investigative reporters you would think they would be alert and aware etc. Surely someone could figure out that Clark is Superman, they have both been away for years, the return at exactly the same time, they are never seen together and the only difference in appearance is that the direction of the flick in his hair and his glasses. You don’t need Colombo on the case to work it out, but that is besides the point back to the film.

The only major flaw I can think of comes in the form of Kitty Kowalski; Lex’s wench. She was crap! Why was she there? What does she bring to the story? Lex, being the bad man that he was should have shown her the door then proceeded to kick her through it.

In summary, good film, I liked it and you should too.


Lex Luthor: “Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their power with mankind. No, I don't want to be a God. I just want to bring fire to the people. And I want my cut”

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Shining

"Here's Johnny!" - the catchphrase that coined this movie. If you look at most "Top 100 movie" lists you'll often find this film. I finally decided to see what all the fuss was about. Well, I tried to see what the fuss was about and I'm still confused.

Plot summary: Jack Nicholson, his wife and 9 year old son move into 'The Overlook Hotel' during the winter. Jack gets a job as the caretaker there, so he and his family stay to manage the place whilst everyone has moved to warmer climates. Jack is also an author, and because there's not much to do decides to work on a book whilst he's there, to help pass the time.

As you can imagine things don't go to plan. It turns out that this hotel has a dark secret, and Jack slowly loses his mind.

Now, I've not read the book by Stephen King but i'm informed that it's different in many ways to the movie, including the ending. This is more a psychological horror with a little bit of sci-fi thrown in. The sci-fi part never really works for me, to be honest. It's never really explained very well and it just adds to the confusion of the plot.

Essentially what we have is a man who is driven insane with 2 parts boredom, 1 part spiritual posession. Jack Nicholson plays a psychopath amazingly. So amazingly in fact, that the women who was acting his wife actually feared for her life in several scenes and had to be calmed down by the crew because she was freaking out. I suppose the atmosphere didn't help.

Despite falling asleep due to watching this movie in bed, and having to replay it from scenes over several nights, I really enjoyed this flick. Right up until the end that is. The ending has to be one of the crappiest most disappointing endings to any film I've ever seen. It's so disappointingly flawed that it's practically a black hole in Space. I won't spoil it for you, but it leaves a lot to be desired.

More annoying than the ending is Jack Nicholsons wifes' acting. I understand that throughout most of the flick she has to act scared and in panic, but does she have to do it like a 12 year old faking being upset to their parents? "I'm *sniff* so *sniff* upset *sniff* i *sniff* could *sniff* cry *sniff* " really gets old man. Admittedly she could never live up to Jacks level, but shit... at least make an effort woman.

Despite all this, I give it a 3.5 out of 5. Good to watch on a first night in with a chick you want to sleep with.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Omen


The Omen, I thought it was clever releasing it on 6.6.6 and I did really want to go on the day, but I didn’t, so it obviously wasn’t that clever. Anyway the film. It's another remake you should know but unlike Poseidon I haven’t seen the original recently, which is probably a good thing.
The acting; Julia Stiles was a bit of a winger really. Yeah your kid's the son of the devil but for Gods sake, deal with it, STOP YOUR BITCHIN!!! The guy (whose name I can’t remember or be bothered to look up) was a little to wooden for me but hey what do I know? (Loads that’s why you're here reading what I know, ha ha).
Anyway in summary the film was not very good. Not very good at all and again I would suggest you wait for the DVD.

Now before I go I just want you all to know that I went to see both these films on the same day, imagine my disappointment with not just one, but two substandard movies. I should have slapped the boy that sold me those tickets.

Robert Thorn: I never want to see or hear from you again.
Father Brennan: You'll see me in hell Mr. Thorn, We'll spend eternity together.

Poseidon



Before you get excited this is the first of 2 brief throw ups just to let you know I am still alive.
Poseidon is a remake. Is it a good remake?
Not really.

A good film it is own rights?
Again, not really.

If you haven’t seen the original you should be shot, and if you have you cannot help but compare and that’s not a good thing if you want to enjoy this film. The special effects are great but as well as know specials are no substitute for a plot. Wolfgang Petersen has managed to take a good story and make it a less than mediocre one.
If you haven’t seen it already and you trust my judgment (as you should because I am always right) then don’t waste your money, wait till it comes on Sky, come back here and agree with me. You know it makes sense.


“You don't just get the name Lucky Larry... you have to be LUCKY!”

Friday, June 02, 2006

FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOYKO DRIFT



Sean Boswell is an outsider who attempts to define himself as a hot-headed, underdog street racer. Although racing provides a temporary escape from an unhappy home and the superficial world around him, it has also made Sean unpopular with the local authorities.

To avoid jail time, Sean is sent to live with his gruff, estranged father, a career military-man stationed in Tokyo. Now officially a gaijin (outsider), Sean feels even more shut out in a land of foreign customs and codes of honor. But it doesn't take long for him to find some action when a fellow American buddy, Twinkie, introduces him to the underground world of drift racing.

Sean's simple drag racing gets replaced by a rubber-burning, automotive art form with an exhilarating balance of speeding and gliding through a heart-stopping course of hairpin turns and switchbacks. On his first time out drifting, Sean unknowingly takes on D.K., the "Drift King," a local champ with ties to the Japanese crime machine Yakuza. Sean's loss comes at a high price tag when he's forced to work off the debt under the thumb of ex-pat, Han.

Han soon welcomes Sean into this family of misfits and introduces him to the real principles of drifting. But when Sean falls for D.K.'s girlfriend, Neela, an explosive series of events is set into motion, climaxing with a high stakes face off.



My Comment: WHY?!?!?!?!? Watch Initial D, the original anime and not the Hong Kong live action version.

Here's the trailer: http://www.universalpicturescom/asx/fastandfurious3/fast_and_furious3_trlr1_700k_wmv.asx


Later Peeps.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

GREASE

Over the past days I have tried my hardest to finish watching Save the green planet, so I can post the review I promised you all, also I watched mission impossible 3 and I have been trying to write a post on that, and even tonight, I watched hunted (didn’t hear it as I was working in the pub at the tine). But the film that sticks out the most is Grease, I have managed nearly 23 years of life without watching this film all the way through, only to be forced to watch it tonight. What can I say, this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, I like John Travolta, in Pulp fiction he is amazing, Face off, sheer class, but in this he cant act for toffee. This is possibly the worst acted movie I have watched in a long time and I watched attack of the killer tomatoes the other day (we love you George). This is a much loved movie and I cant see why, its crap, the songs are crap, the acting is crap, it’s just a steaming pile of excrement, why do women love it? Anyway I have had many drinks (I apologises for the spelling mistakes, if there are any) and I need to go to sleep before the memory of this shite movie makes me lose the will to live, if you haven't watched it by now, don't bother.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A Clockwork Orange


For those who are not familiar with this film:

Alex, a violent juvenile in the near future, is caught after a number of brutal rapes and murders. While imprisoned, he submits to a controversial experiment to make criminals ill at the mildest suggestion of violence or conflict. Now Alex's victims want to welcome him back into society with the same enthusiasm Alex had always exhibited when performing his crimes.




Verdict:

I don't know why but I found watching this film again after so many years a disappointment. I can't fault the way the film is directed, written, etc. but the shock factor of this film has long been surpassed by so many other quality films. I actually found that for me this film has not survived the test of time, the violence (?) is fairly tame by today's standards and at best there is a bit of titillation.

I give this film 6 out of 10

I think I'll go for some Jappornanimetion for my next film



Later Peeps

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Save The Green Planet (part 1)

Started watching Save the green planet last night, this is a very very weird film, I had had a few vodkas by the time I started watching and apparently I had had a few too many. I decided in the interest of you, my loyal fans, I would turn it off and save it for a day when I can fully appreciate it. So this post is just a little teaser, rest assured you can expect a full report soon.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Made In Britain

I bought this DVD in the Virgin store a Freeport for £2, so I was pretty chuffed at my find as I have heard many people banging on about how good this film is. After I watched It felt like I had wasted my money.

This movie is about a 16-year-old skinhead named Trevor (Tim Roth) who is a naughty little shit that needs a good slap. The film is a few days in his miserable little life where he steals cars, sniffs glue, breaks windows and general makes a nuisance of himself.

You start out with Trevor being sent to an assessment center with his social worker Harry (Eric Richard - Sgt. Bob Cryer from The Bill) where he is left presumably to be assessed, with this knowledge the first thing he does is steal a car, sniff some glue and break the job center windows, clever boy. Trevor is obviously a lost cause, surely a normal person would assume that anybody sporting a swastika on their forehead has a few issues but Harry insists that he is intelligent so they all give him a second chance. So with this second chance and the money for the bus to the job center, he takes his black room mate (hold mate aren’t you a racist?) and buys glue and cigarettes, genius!! Now I know why they think he is so intelligent. Anyway to cut long and not that interesting story short he steals a van crashes in to a police car then runs off and confesses to his social worker, who in turn sends him back to the station he has just crashed in front of. Then you get 2 coppers give him a little run down of how things are going to be, give him a little dig and let him know he is going to be spending a large percentage of his time in prison, dropping the soap, nice.

This Film is older than me and originally made for television so as you can imagine the actual picture quality wasn’t really up to much, the acting wasn’t great either. I have read that Tim Roth was excellent blah blah blah, I don’t see it. All Alan Clarke (the director) did was say “Tim, I want you to imagine your a stroppy little shit wow is angry at the world, off you go” now Tim was 17 - 19 at the time (he was born in 1961 and film was released in 1982, its just an estimate), how hard could that be? I’m not impressed, not at all, I didn’t see anything big or clever and I thought the film was crap. Actually if it wasn’t for that fact I would have to go all the way back to the hole that is otherwise known as Freeport (which frankly is a punishment in itself), to get my money back, I would.

I would rate the movie but I really haven’t got anything nice to say so watch it at your own risk.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Battle Royale II


I used to hate watching foreign subtitled movies. Generally the translations appear to be handled by a 5 year old just learning English, which really puts me off, but recently I've been put onto some good films by resident jap-buff Chase.

For those who are unfamiliar with the Battle Royale films, let me summarise for you (very briefly). A bunch of high school kids are dumped on a deserted island and told that they have 3 days to kill each other. Last man or woman standing wins. They are each numbered and tagged with an electronic collar, that is set to explode if they either a) attempt to remove it, b) are inside a 'danger area' at a specific time (announced previously) or c) Refuse to comply. They are then given a bag, contaning the basic essentials for survival; food, water, a map and compass, and a random weapon of choice. The weapons range from anything to a pair of binoculars and a steel dustbin lid, to a fully automatic weapon or grenades.

Battle Royale 2, however, changes the rules somewhat. Instead of it being a free for all, they have to work in numbered pairs. If your partner dies, your collar will detonate. Danger areas also apply, but your main goal is to kill Nahanara (the survivor of the previous game) who has now setup shop on the Island and is attempting to kill all adults. Simple, eh? Well, it should be.

Instead what we're now left with is an absolute piss poor sequel attempt that really seems to remind me of Starship Troopers meets Saving Private Ryan; complete with a rubbish 'beach storming' sequence and tacky uniforms. One of the main characters is this seriously ugly, annoying little guy with blonde hair who looks like Thom E Yorke from Radiohead, but Japanese - which is very strange to look at. Obviously didn't go to acting school, but learnt how to act by posing nude in a mirror at home.

This movie is absolutely terrible, many many inconsistencies and 'errors', such as:
- The rules state that if your paired partner dies, you die. Yet when reeling out the list of casualities they aren't paired at all, why didn't the partner die?
- 0:00pm is NOT a real time - it should be 0:00am.

But isn't this the reason we watch certain foreign films, to laugh and joke at the mistakes they make with either our language or basic concepts such as time and reality?

Here are some amusing lines from the movie:

"Shit, I'm hit!" (I loved this one 'cos it ryhmes)

"Something's coming out."
- "What is it?!"

"I peed my pants. I peed it all." (A woman who couldn't take the pressure of battle. Strangely enough I didn't notice any dark patches on her trousers. I was most unimpressed).

I felt like I'd wasted 2 hours and 8 minutes of my life, that i could've easily spent making origami instead. Avoid this movie, trust me. 2/10.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Die Hard With A Vengeance

Last week I caught up with Die Hard With A Vengeance, the third installment in the action packed Die Hard trilogy. This time John McLane is being toyed with by a guy called Simon who seems to take delight in bombing buildings. McLane has to carry out Simon's instructions or else a building is going up. Along the way, McLane picks up an ally in a shop owner named Zeus who saves him from being killed by a furious mob.
I'll start with what's good about this film. The action scenes are excellent. Explosions and chases are all skillfully filmed (which shouldn't be a suprise as it's directed by John McTiernan). The use of real New York locales also help give these sequences a real breathtaking zip. Samuel L. Jackson is also puts in an above par performance as Zeus.
Unfortunatley, when Simon appears on screen and his motives are revealed the film takes an almost cartoonish turn. The impetus of the film begins to ebb and flow with pointless character exposition and it begins to drag a bit.
The other problem I had is with the character of John McClane. He seems a long way from the hard working ordinary cop of the first two films. He's a borderline alcoholic on suspension from the NYPD. It really needn't be John McClane...it could be a copper from any film (except maybe Inspecter Clouseau).
It's ultimately a poor send off for the trilogy, considering the quality of the first two films. Great opening 45 minutes though.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Ghostbusters

"Who Ya Gonna Call?"

I recently decided to revisit Ghostbusters and see if the film that charmed me as a child had stood the test of time.
The plot, should you need reminding, has three parapsychologists kicked out of their University and starting up a business catching ghosts. This career shift ties nicely into an evil Sumerian God called Gozer fashioning a portal into our world via an apartment block in New York City. Chaos ensues.
So, is it still as good as it was in 1984? Well, Bill Murray's acerbic Peter Venkman is far more irritatating that I remember, but that did not detract from my enjoyment of the film. The special effects still stand up quite well and support the story rather than upstaging it and the humour continues to raise a chuckle. The acting is competent (including the support, Rick Moranis is a definate highlight) and the cheesy theme song has you singing along. The grand finale which has The Stay-Puft Marshmallow man stomping down Central Park West a la Godzilla is still a great cinematic moment. Ghostbusters gives more contemporary comedies a run for their money even after 20 years.

Verdict: Still a classic

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Audition (Ôdishon)

Audition is a Japanese horror movie about a widower (Shigeharu Aoyama) who has decided, with a little help from his son, that it is time to move on and find himself a woman. Unsure how is going to achieve the task at hand, Shigeharu and a friend come up with the idea of holding auditions for a movie his friend may possibly make (he was a professional caster/movie producer or something like that). Anyway basically the audition was so Shigeharu could meet loads of women in a short space of time, choose one he liked, take her on a date, work the Aoyama charm, wham, bam you can figure out the rest.

He receives the résumés and starts sifting, and pretty quickly one young lady catches his eye, she is Yamazaki Asami, she meets all his requirements (professional training, quite fit, etc, etc) and Shigeharu seems to pretty sold on her, so much for meeting loads! Audition day comes, Shigeharu suffers hours for monkeys before showing some interest at the arrival of Asami, he questions her, goes home, calls her up and they go on a date. He has already fallen for her, she is pretty keen on him, they meet up a couple more times, chat a little then end up going away for a dirty weekend, filthy humbugs, they barely know each other.

Now to be fair what I have described above sounds a bit tame and compared to the next half of the film it is. The soft, slow love story/drama is over and you are now plunged in to a deep, dark, naughty twisted world with enough strangeness for at least 3 films. I don’t want to tell you what happens because it will ruin it for you but it is very good, very strange and quite difficult to understand so you’ll need your thinking hat on. There is lots of sickness and depravity, and like a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face, this film is not for the faint hearted. So if you think you can handle it I would highly recommend seeing it.

Asami Yamazaki "Words create lies. Pain can be trusted"

Hostel

Well after a couple of days recovery I can now post my review of Hostel. For all you 'hardened horror' viewers this film is probably a walk in the park (or creepy grave yard) but for the weak, such as myself, this was a bit hard going.

The film follows two young Americans Paxton (Jay Hernandez), Josh (Derek Richardson), and Icelander Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson) as they embark upon a backpacking trip through various European countries trying to get their end away with as many European women as possible. When they are told by this weird looking guy that there is this Hostel just outside of Bratislava with gorgeous women waiting to fulfill all their bedroom desires they get on the first train there. To cut a long story short, they get drugged or tricked by these gorgeous bitches (with great bodies by the way) and get tortured by wealthy businessman who to put it mildly are a bit wrong in the head.

Now I was fine up to this point but when the power drills and blow torches start to come out I turned in to a big girl and I wanted my mummy. I am not going to give anymore away as I think you sick lot might actually like this film. Don't get me wrong though as when I finally got over the whole ordeal and thought about it, it was actually not that bad a film, for what is essentially a slasher B movie.

I think I would have given this film about 3 to 4 out of 10 when I first viewed it but now I have had time to think about it I will officially give it 6 out of 10. I would be good to see what you lot make of it if you get chance to view it.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Jason and the Argonauts

What a film! great movie as I’m sure you all know, having undoubtedly watched it at least one of the hundred million times it has been shown on TV, I however was fortunate enough to find the DVD in the 4 for £20 sales in Blockbuster.
I was shocked and disgusted to discover that some miserable cretin had sold this classic movie to blockbuster for a nominal fee even thought I would ultimately benefit from it, then I remembered I was in Clacton-on-sea and quickly forgave them, for they obviously know not what they do.
Highly excited with my find, I handed over my money and left Clacton as quickly as possible, as any self-respecting law-abiding citizen should do. Once home and safe from the clutches of the evil chavs, I stored the film until the time was right, and what better time for a movie of this caliber than bank holiday weekend.
I’m pretty sure you have all seen this film so I won’t go on an on about it, but I would just like to say that I would have liked to see 2 things done differently. Now don’t get me wrong this is a great, great film but I feel there where 2 minor flaws, and they are;

1) When Hercules broke the rules and caused Talos to get pissed and start stomping around having a hissy fit, Jason had to save everyone, and all he said to Hercules was “you disobeyed me” Jason should have bitched slapped him hard in the chops then climbed up to the crows nest and landed a flying elbow right on Hercules head, just to let the Argonauts know who was running things. Instead he contacted Hera and used his last wish/aid/assistance to let the boys know what was happening, all because Hercules was a thieving little toe rag.

2) The Hydra wasn’t anywhere near hard enough, I know Jason was top boy by this stage but come on, where was the challenge? He didn’t even break a sweat!! I was hoping for some fire breathing and tail whipping action, no no no, it just tried to bite him, what was that about? Still, he defeated it and got the fleece. All a bit to easy for my liking, I would have liked to see Jason have to put in a bit more effort, but that’s just me.




So in summary Jason and the Argonauts is a great film, even taking in to consideration the 2 minor points I have mentioned above and if you haven't seen it I suggest you stop reading and run to your local video shop and get it now.

R-Point

Asian cinema is enjoying something of a renaissance at the moment with the majority of the output from Hong Kong, Japan and Korea that makes it to these shores being very high quality. That's particularly true if you start comparing it to Hollywood's conveyor belt of dross.
So I was a bit disappointed to find that R-Point doesn't quite make the grade.

The intruiging premise is that a group of South Korean soldiers in Vietnam investigate a platoon that went missing six months earlier. The soldiers make their way to the last known location of the missing platoon; R-Point.
R-Point itself is an abandoned building shrouded in mist. The Vietcong regard it as holy ground and do not hang around to pick off unwary platoons of South Koreans, so there must be something else afoot. Well, the strange blue tinted view of the soldiers from something's perspective and the increasing sense of unease that's generated by the films atmosphere suggest that whatever got the first platoon, is going to get this one too.

I won't divulge much more of the plot as the ambiguity of the situation that the soldiers find themselves in is essential to how the viewer may read the film.

The film oozes atmosphere, is competently acted and has some gorgeous cinematography. It's just a shame it degenerates into a bit of a by-the-numbers horror flick. A missed opportunity.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Old Boy


Watched Old boy last night, I don’t want to tell you too much because I don’t want to ruin it for you when you watch, and trust me you DO want to watch this movie. Old Boy is the story of a man named Dae su(Min-sik Choi) who is kidnapped and held against his will in a room with only a TV for company for 15 years, oh and to put the icing on the cake, they kill his Mrs as well, nice touch.
Suddenly he is released and told he has 5 days to find out why he was kidnapped or they’re going to kill his new woman, guy has been free for 5 minutes and he is picking up chicks in sushi bars, legend! Anyway, so commences the journey to discover the truth, this is where it starts to get twisted but as I said, I don’t want to ruin it for you. What I will say is Dae-su is tough, very tough, there are some amazing fight scenes where he kicks some major ass and there is another great scene where he removes a mans teeth with a claw hammer. The movie itself is categorised as a thriller but there is plenty of action and even a bit of a love story in there, for the softer among you, there are some serious twists or is it seriously twisted? not sure which is a better description, but it is a very good film, if you don’t mind subs (its South Korean) then I would say its a must see. Being as my last post was huge and your all going to go see the film now because you know its great I think I’ll call it a day.

Dae-su: “I'll? I'll rip your whole body apart. And no-one'll be able to find it anywhere, and you know why? Because I'm going to chew it all down!”

Anatomy of Hell

While perusing though the Blockbuster 4 for £20 sale a while ago I was stuck with 7 DVD's and could not find a suitable 8th to make up my numbers, a bit of a dilemma as you can imagine, anyway to cut a long and boring story short, I ended up purchasing the above.
Some time passed and I finally got round to watching the movie which I can best describe as a steaming pile of excrement. The film is about a woman (Maria Cesar) who goes to a gay club and picks up a guy (Rocco Sifted, yes the porn star) who was gay so how she did it I’m still a little unsure, she’s ok but I seriously doubt she is fit enough to make a man forget he likes men, anyway she catches his attention, he follows and finds her cutting her wrist in the toilets. When he asks her why she is self-harming, she simply replies “because I am a woman” a little strange but I persevered.
Rocco in his infinite wisdom decides that he is going to help little miss crazy and gets her all patched up, now this is where it starts to get really strange. There is some brief chat between the two which basically comes down to her suggesting he only helped her because he wants a blow job, quite how she came to that conclusion I don’t know, its a gay club, he is gay, you're a chick!!. Maybe its me but I think she is being rather presumptuous and judging by the fact Rocco bitch slapped her hard in her mush, he did too.
Hurt and bruised she runs away, he follows and she ends up dropping to her knees anyway, I’m lost, I thought you like dudes Rocco! What’s going on?
Now after she has wiped her mouth she makes him a proposition, she offers to pay him to “watch me when I’m unwatchable” he agrees.
The rest of the film is based around four days of filth and debauchery, class I hear you say, no no no, it’s all wrong. I’ll save you the graphic details but what basically happens is;

Day 1, Rocco bangs on about how much he dislikes women because they are obscene, then has a little fiddle with her, forgot to mention he is naked the whole time.
Day 2 he carries on a bit more she has a little chat back telling him he hasn’t learnt anything and he is wrong, he takes his fiddling a stage further.
Day 3 she pipes up and tells him that he is wrong women are great, blah blah blah, he forgets he’s gay or thinks she is a boy or whatever and ends up, well you know where he ends up.
Day 4, he’s in love now turns up they share a moment, she gives him his money, he realises he shouldn’t have and ends up killing her because he is a bit pissed off.

That is basically the story now add in several shots of full frontal male nudity, countless female nudity, one shot of a naked child (little girl about 8, apparently for the close up it was a dummy, I don’t care it was wrong, and unnecessary) and lots of blood and there you have it. The director (Catherine Breillat) has tried, apparently to produce an intellectual art house movie, rubbish this is nonsense, what she has done is try her hardest to shock you, take the opening scene for example, its outside the club, you see to figures, one standing one on there knees. The shot comes in and it’s a guy giving another guy a blow job, this added nothing to the plot at all, it was just for shock value. The shot came in so close in was ridiculous, then it cut to a load of guys kissing, yes I know it's a gay bar, I can tell that from the handle bar moustaches and the leather there was no need for that. Then there was all the close ups of the woman’s lady bits, I though I was buying a film not a porno, if I wanted porn that’s what I would have bought, there was no need to view in such close graphic detail Rocco sticking his fingers in the holiest of holies.

I wont go on, it gets worse but lets not dwell on it, what I did was check out the imdb boards after to see if anybody else was as disgusted as I was, what I found was a bunch of people with too much time on their hands using words and phrases like:

“A philosophical theorem”

“an interest and knowledge of humanist philosophy from Ancient Greek Protagoras”

“Philosophic Humanism”

“Odalisque qualities”

“pseudo psycho-babble”

I didn’t understand any of this rubbish because the film was just crap, but lots of people with dictionary’s are trying to have intellectual debates about the films merit. It all steams from a woman that said it is aimed at a mature audience, after that everybody went thesaurus mad trying to prove they had an IQ over 150, idiots!
Apparently this film was supposed to portray the relationships between men and women, it didn’t, It was a shock fest full of filth that and I suggest should you have the opportunity to view it, don’t bother, unless you really want to waste 77 minutes of your life.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give it -5

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Ong-Bak


Ong-Bak

Staring Tony Jaa












I must admit that I’ve been meaning to see this film for awhile. With reviews like the following who wouldn’t?

“Makes crouching tiger feel like a trip to the ballet” – Total Film

“Four stars” - Empire

“Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan and Jet Lee all rolled into one!” – Total Film

“The most amazing stunts you’ll ever see” - Loaded

This film does indeed contain some of the best action sequences and fight scenes that you will find on film. (Or DVD in this case) Considering that all the stunts are performed by Tony Jaa himself without stunt doubles or with the aid of wire - work and CGI the action sequences are truly amazing. – Wachowski Brothers / Hollywood are you listening?

This film demonstrates the beautiful yet deadly Thai martial art of Muay Thai. (Thai Boxing) The slow mo replays left me thinking how does he do that? Surely it must be computer generated or wire-work!

The tuk tuk (three wheeled taxi moped) chase scene comes to mind as an example of how some of the action sequences borrow heavily from other films. When the roof of the tuk tuk is sliced off it screams Goldeneye to me. Having said that the whole chase scene reminds me of a ride I took in the early hours of the morning while on holiday in Bangkok last November, those of you who have been a passenger in a tuk tuk whilst taking a corner at high speed will know exactly what I’m talking about. Thank god I was drunk at the time!

I’m sad to say that although the action and fight scenes are amazing, that’s all there is to this film one fight scene after another. I know some of you might think “what’s wrong with that?” Well, I personally like an action film to have a good plot and story line as well as the fight scenes.


The story line barely exists in this film but some of this maybe lost in translation in the subtitles. (I refuse to watch an English dubbed foreign film)

I find it quite strange that out of all the reviews listed above I find myself agreeing with the one given by a lad’s magazine published here in England:

“The most amazing stunts you’ll ever see” - Loaded


For action I’ll give it 8 out of 10
For the film as a whole I’ll give it 6 out of 10


Verdict: It’s worth watching for the action alone.


I picked up this film for £6.99 at the Virgin Megastore on Tottenham Court Rd.
(Although I could have bought a “backup copy” in Bangkok for 80 Baht)

So what’s next? Well I thought I’d go old school and watch A Clockwork Orange by Stanley Kubrick.


Later Peeps

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Outer Limits: The Galaxy Being

"There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat, there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to the outer limits."

I picked up the Outer Limits box set for a bargain £11.99 from Play.com. I used to watch the various repeats that were scattered ad-hoc throughout my childhood (I was certainly not around for it's first run in 1963) but I've never had the opportunity to watch the series in full. Twelve quid and the internet have changed all that.
Now for some reason
The Outer Limits seems to have a reputation for being nothing more than a second-rate rendition of The Twilight Zone. That generalisation really isn't right, because whilst both shows were landmarks in their own right they were quite different in both their context and content. The Twilight Zone was based more in the realm of science fiction and usually relied on a twist in the tale wheras The Outer Limits was more like horror and was perhaps a little more downbeat. Not that I dislike The Twilight Zone, I love it, it's just that The Outer Limits should be regarded in it's own right.

In the first episode "The Galaxy Being";
Cliff Robertson (Ben Parker in Spiderman) is a radio station owner who also loves to dabble in science. He steals power and equipment from his own station and builds a transceiver that makes contact with the galaxy being of the title. The being (who is fairly benign) accidentally gets loose and creates havoc and kills before giving mankind a warning and disappearing. This episode is very much a product of it's time with various references to the cold war, but that doesn't detract from the spellbinding way this tale plays out. The special effects may also seem hokey in this CGI filled age but there's something inherently spooky about the film negative effect used to portray the galaxy being and his energy. This is a great opening episode and sets a high benchmark for the rest of the series.

These days this wouldn't frighten a two year old, but that's not the point of watching them. Programmes like The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits are the standard for the genre. This one episode is considerably better than anything I've seen in the past two weeks masquerading as science fiction.

Ice Age: The Meltdown


I recently got dragged to the cinema kicking and screaming (honestly) to see Ice Age: The Meltdown (Ice Age 2) which in all fairness wasn’t as horrendous an experience as I had thought it would be.Under normal circumstances I would avoid early showings at the cinema like the plague, but as it’s a kid’s film I didn’t really have much choice. After spending a small fortune on sweets to keep the lady happy, I was faced with the prospect of enduring 91 minutes of rubbish drowned out by screaming kids and mobile phone using chav's. However I was wrong, the kids where there but well behaved and the actual film wasn’t that bad, I would even so as far as to say it was Alright.I do have a slightly biased opinion as I cant stand Ray Romano, being as he is cleverly disguised as a mammoth I can just about suffer him, anyway the story is your standard kiddy movie stuff, day is saved, they all live happily ever after (well not ever after as I haven’t seen any mammoths lately but you know what I mean).The jokes are amusing, with some working on a more adult level as well as for the younger viewer and they even brought back the little squirrel thing and he is class. The only two things I could really moan about are;


1. The sabre tooth tiger didn’t eat any animal children, and there was an opportunity for it

2. Sid the sloth does start to get slightly annoying at times but when you think he is voiced by John Leguizamo who has study the art of being annoying long and hard, you have to admit it could have been worse.

So all in all not bad obviously not going to be winning the academy award for best picture but for mindless entertainment, you could watch much worse.


I give it a 6 out of 10

"Parents, Please do not leave your children unattended. All unattended children will be eaten"

The Matador

I recently watched The Matador and to be honest it was just OK. I think it is advertised as Pierce Brosnan's best comedy, but has he been in any other comedies?? There were a couple of funny scences in it though, like the one where he walks through reception in just his smalls and boots. For me though the funniest scene was when this young boy is teling him that his Mum (Mom) likes him and Brosnan tells the kid to go away. The kid replies with 'See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya' and Brosnan's reply is 'Smell ya shouldn't have to tell ya'. For some reason that made me laugh!! There are a few sex scenes but when watching it with my in laws the face starts to go a bit hot and find my self looking away from the TV but trying not to look at anyone else in the room.

I think the best bit about this film is the acting of Danny Wright who plays the salesman who is caught up in a strange relationship with Brosnan.

I give it 5.5 out of ten.

'Smell ya, shouldn't have to tell ya!!!'